With the agility of a Formula 1 racer and the look on the face of a fame-weary movie star, Charles Sophie drives a blue convertible around a pack of paparazzi guarding his Beverly Hills home. His olive skin, impeccable suit and expensive glasses make it clear that he is not the last person in Hollywood. But the paparazzi are not hunting for him, but for a married couple whom he came to advise.
The 49-year-old psychiatrist's clients are a stellar family whose personal twists and turns make headlines on a regular basis. Adultery, paranoid envy of colleagues, brought this exemplary couple to the psychiatrist's couch. It is not hard to guess who we are talking about - golfer Tiger Woods and his wife Elin. Approaching the fortress-like house, Dr. Sophie warns the guards of his arrival. Paparazzi chant, "Dr. Sophie, are they getting a divorce?"
Nowadays, everyone understands that celebrities need to work for the public - hence their betrayal and stupid antics. And no one cares that a Hollywood marriage is a marriage like any other, and infidelity doesn't make it stronger. All your favorite actors would have lived one at a time, if not for the people of a new profession - "crisis management of family relations." If the pipe bursts, they call the plumber, and if patience runs out, the spouses yelling at each other call the psychoanalyst themselves. Woods and his wife practically settled in Dr. Sophie. “Daily appointments with a specialist can really defuse a tense situation,” their doctor shrugs.
Eighteen years ago, Dr. Sophie moved from Pennsylvania to California, and for several years worked as the director of the medical department for family and marriage in Los Angeles. In 2003, he began a private practice - former Spice Girls member Melanie B and Paris Hilton immediately appeared on the list of his clients. Other stars followed with their complexes. After five years of work, Charles Sophie opened two offices. One guarded one is for VIP-clients, and the other is for those in need. But regardless of which office he accepts, all marital problems have the same reasons: infidelity, power struggle in a couple, career rivalry and long separations. The stars are exclusive only to an excessive thirst for attention. Through his long practice, Dr. Sophie realized that no matter how confusing marital problems may seem,all of them are due to the imbalance between family life, work and social activity. "The task of the therapist is to find out what is pulling on himself, eliminate the imbalance and return the relationship to the previous channel." It doesn't matter who you are - a Hollywood star or an assistant to a junior manager. “All problems follow the same scenarios.”
Evergreen, Colorado, could have made a movie. On the main street there are signs that you can't imagine on purpose: the Bear Cub beauty salon and the Cactus Joe bar. A path leads from the bar to Lake Colorado. There, in the shade of Mount Evans, 4300 meters, is the Family and Marriage Center. This is a unique family retreat (a cross between a sanatorium, mental hospital and an ashram), created by Dr. David Schnarch and his wife Ruth Morehouse. People from show business, politics, sports and world finance go there. And all with the sole purpose of saving the marriage. The tourist value of this area is highly questionable, while the former border town with a population of forty thousand people gathers the rich and famous, like the gold miners once. And this despite the fact that there is not a single sushi bar nearby …
Dr. Schnarch with a thick gray beard looks more like a kind uncle than a doctor famous for his ability to bring patients to emotional catharsis. “People come to us because we are well versed in our business. Some have some kind of unusual talent or ability to make a lot of money, but in reality they are the same as you and me. " He does not send for patients at Rolls Royce Airport, and if a client wants to reserve a massage at a nearby spa, he will have to do it himself. Fighting megalomania is the first step towards a peaceful married life.
Twenty years ago, the Schnarch and Morehouse couple invented the Melting Crucible, an intensive family therapy. Witches have nothing to do with it - it's just four or seven hot days of efforts to save the marriage, something like an extreme recruit camp. In daily one-on-one sessions with each pair, Dr. Schnarch tries to challenge them, forcing them to admit their problems from the very beginning. Most often this is either cheating, or, conversely, problems in bed. “They don't know me and don't know what to expect from me. They hope that we will find their weak point, but they are afraid of this,”the doctor confesses. After daily testing sessions with the doctor, the couples spend a lot of time together walking in the surrounding mountains. “In fact, therapy lasts around the clock, not only at my appointments,” the doctor explains."I trick the spouses to be together all the time."
The doctor prefers to remain silent about the cost of treatment, but says that it is quite acceptable. This is probably why “non-stars” from faraway Australia fly to him. But even if the couple flew out of Colorado holding hands, they must constantly maintain the result of the therapy. Dr. Schnarch offers additional phone sessions (he uses Skype) at a convenient schedule for the client. “Often times, people who really need help have to combine quarterly intensives with regular telephone consultations.” And this is not just chatter - patients pay for a very difficult three-hour conversation.
All VIP clients are required to adhere to the established order. Without exception. The doctor explains that the atmosphere of permissiveness surrounding the stars gives them a sense of their own exclusivity, which leads to family problems. "Of course, golf stars aren't the only ones getting in trouble," he jokes. "But in an industry where no-obligation sex is as readily available as sports souvenirs, the extent of adultery is astounding." Once Dr. Schnarch had to consult a football star who, like Tiger Woods, was a chronic womanizer, but the footballer did it recklessly, arguing with his teammate. “They incited each other, were absorbed only by themselves and thought they would never get caught. But, of course, one day the mistress asked for a lot of money for her silence and threatened to call the press if she didn’t get the money.”The threat of a public scandal worked. The athlete had to confess to his wife. The wife has her own story, over the years of marriage she - love from the university bench - has gone through her own evolution. “She was an ordinary girl who fell in love with a man even before he rose to heaven. When he started making millions, she was sidelined. " But under the leadership of Schnarh, she was able to bring family relations to a new level and became more independent. But under the leadership of Schnarh, she was able to bring family relations to a new level and became more independent. But under the leadership of Schnarh, she was able to bring family relations to a new level and became more independent.
Dr. Schnarch tries to convince couples - and not just celebrities - that sex on the side (even if it has been many, many times) is not necessarily a sentence for a relationship. The main element of his therapy is "differentiation" - he forces him to separate his personality from the personality of the partner. For a wife who feels humiliated by her husband's betrayal, this means overcoming the shame and embarrassment inflicted on her by a man. But it also means that it is time for the wife to stop basking in the rays of her husband's glory. Dr. Schnarch always avoids reproaching the traitor. “Often the guilty spouse is pressured to publicly apologize to his wife. He, of course, can apologize, but the reasons for the betrayal often remain undisclosed. So the only factor keeping him from further fornication is the fear of getting caught red-handed. Instead of being afraidhe has to ask himself a few sensitive questions. Not how he could hurt his wife so much. About how he could betray himself so much, his values. Does he consider himself to be more than his money and fame?"
It is impossible to believe in this, but any talk that it is bad to harm your neighbor, Dr. Schnarch considers ineffective! His medicine is the phrase "It hurts you personally." He is not a priest, and all his therapy is not about morality.
Dr. Sophie agrees with this approach and cites Tiger Woods as an example. “If you want to put your relationship in order and you have a few betrayals, it's time to admit everything. If you reveal only part of the truth, the case is doomed. " Like Dr. House: until you tell him about all the places where you have pain, he will not help.
According to Sophie, relationship problems are often the result of fame and universal adoration. Many stars suffer from a pathological desire to be the center of attention. They even inform the paparazzi themselves about their plans or leave messages on Twitter.com or MySpace.com. However, ordinary people also have bouts of exhibitionism and thirst for attention. “If you or your partner are playing to the audience or being overly outspoken, it's time to think about the reasons for this behavior. Either you need approval because you don't get it from your partner, or you just never get enough attention, and that's part of the next problem. Possibly low self-esteem,”explains Dr. Sophie.
Place two star egos within the same family, and the result can be explosive - especially if the woman is in the lead. It was no coincidence that Ryan Philip and Reese Witherspoon's seven-year marriage fell apart that same year, when she became the highest paid actress in Hollywood and won an Oscar. “Money means power in the family, and when a woman earns money, it can complicate everything,” the doctor is convinced.
Not so long ago, Dr. Schnarch had to consult a young couple with a child. His wife is a singer and is in the top ten. Her husband is a second-tier actor and has little chance of getting promoted. They swore terribly. "The husband believed that he should go out in search of work, while the wife insisted that she was the breadwinner in the family and he should help her with the child." To complicate matters further, it was more important for both to win the battle for their public image than to save the marriage. "They were afraid that one of the partners would sell the story to the press earlier and be able to make money from it."
Most important - and most difficult - was getting the husband to admit that he was simply jealous of his wife's success. As soon as he admitted the truth, his wife agreed to make concessions. She allowed him to spend less time with the child, he was able to get a new role - albeit a small one. But she saved their marriage.
Dr. Schnarch reminds us that many of us have a lot of rivalry and inverted family roles. When partners are at different stages of their careers, it is important to remember one thing: you can generate a sea of resentment in a loved one if you constantly poke each other: “You couldn't take out the trash! “And because of you, our trip was canceled again …” The one who earns less will begin to feel subordinate and, in revenge, cultivate in a partner a feeling of guilt for not doing enough with his family and children. To break this vicious circle, you need to stop bargaining. It doesn't matter who pays the bills - it matters that the husband and wife are members of the same team. Until the moment when they begin to divorce and divide the property.
Even if both are equal in a career, one must remember about the prospects. Hundreds of marriages broke up when both spouses were on the rise of their careers - because of business trips, total employment, they rarely saw each other. What if you really have to work 18 hours a day? A bloated ego is the most vulnerable part in this scenario. “Sometimes narcissism takes over and a person loses a sense of reality. He thinks: "Why should I, after such a feat, return home to a bored wife or husband?" In such conditions, love loses all taste,”says Dr. Sophie. Partners move away from each other, and in the greenhouse atmosphere of touring or filming, betrayal blooms in lush color.
Dr. Sophie demands to find time for each other in the most hectic work schedule. At least have lunch together. By the way, the doctor sometimes has to sit down with clients and producers at the negotiating table in order to formalize a formal agreement on this matter.
Yes, movie stars and athletes are more out of touch with reality than ordinary people (as Dr. Sophie diplomatically put it, celebrities are "more artistic in nature"). But the specialist is ready to return ordinary citizens to the land: "If the problems of your family do not appear on the front pages of newspapers, betrayal of your partner and humiliation will hurt no less." From the very first days of the crisis, he advises to develop certain rules - for a start, the simplest ones. During her visit to that house in Los Angeles, Sophie wrote out a prescription: 1) the couple should spend at least a couple of hours every day together, walking, for example, on the beach; 2) they cannot discuss their problems with children; 3) it is forbidden to quarrel before going to bed.
Dr. Sophie has a universal way to save a marriage. He advises men and women the same thing, because family is a deal, and in business it doesn't matter what gender the partners are. And he, like Schnarch, deliberately does not use the word "for". “Marriage is not charity! A person must remember why he once decided to start a family with this particular person. The answer to this “why” is a treasure that should always be kept in sight. In difficult times, both need to remember about him."
Make up, make up, make up
Dr. Schnarch and Dr. Sophie, using the example of quarreled stellar pairs, took apart your vulnerabilities.
Problem: Spent little time together.
Defendants: Natalie Imbruglia and Daniel Jones, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.
As the distance in kilometers between spouses grows, so does the emotional attraction. This is inevitably followed by treason.
Practice: Take time each day to spend with your partner, even if it's just a lunch break. Don't let pride in your successes overshadow your common sense. Working hard is one thing, obsessing about a career at the expense of relationships is another.
Problem: One was doing much better than the other.
Defendants: Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philip.
Career success and money unevenly distributed among spouses can be resentful. Especially when the husband sits in the shadow of his more successful wife.
Practice: They carry water to the offended. The one who is offended must admit the feeling of envy and be ashamed. The more successful partner must make concessions to restore harmony in the family.
Problem: Obsessive desire to be the center of attention. The habit of making a show out of every little detail.
Defendants: Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson, John Meyer and Jennifer Aniston.
Constant craving for attention (even the need to constantly tweet about their relationship, as Meyer and Lohan did) is often driven by self-esteem issues.
Practice: Try to understand why your partner tends to behave this way. Do you pay enough attention to it? Or does he really have self-esteem issues?
Problem: Spousal infidelity.
Defendants: Tiger and Elin Woods.
Practice: Cheating is a serious threat, but it can be survived. It is necessary to find her reasons, then call the unfaithful spouse to frankness. Yes, his behavior is humiliating for you, but this humiliation will not last forever.
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