As soon as we become pregnant, we are already planning life "after": how we will organize everything when the baby is born, how quickly we will get back in shape after giving birth, we will go to baby yoga, meet other active mothers, work remotely, communicate in groups, in in general, to enjoy your new status … And suddenly we find out that a person close to us freezes in the "before" stage, sometimes for many years his life becomes subordinate to planning, while for us even planning as such might not exist. How to respond, how to give exactly the support that a friend or close relative needs?
Don't ignore. Yes, your friend may not want to discuss the details of her adventures with doctors, her hopes and fears. But at the very least, she should feel and know that you care, that you are ready to listen to her, that what she goes through is important to you too. Feel free to ask about her story. A sincere interest cannot offend or offend. He will make a loved one feel that he is not alone on this path. Yes, usually women undergoing IVF are looking for communication with those who have similar experiences themselves. But believe me, the more valuable is communication with a loved one who knows you from your student days and wholeheartedly cheers for you.
Don't discount. When you start to study the topic of motherhood from the point of view of physiology, you understand how the process of conception and intrauterine development is divine, complex, incomprehensible. For many mothers, especially those who become pregnant accidentally and easily, this will be a revelation - how many factors must come together in order for a new person to be born. In short, it is difficult. And as no one else understands this women undergoing IVF. Respect the complexity of this topic, and also acknowledge that you know very little about this side of the path to motherhood. Better yet, do your research, read women's stories, watch educational videos. No, you don't have to become an expert, but it will help you better hear and understand your girlfriend's problems.
Be gentle with conversations about pregnancy and babies. Yes, most likely, your friend who dreams of a baby will be painful to hear about someone's pregnancy, and she may be hurt by excessive details about how everything is going with you. This does not mean that this topic should not be touched at all, just try to show tact and a sense of proportion. There is no need to hide your children from a friend, thinking that it is hard for her to look at them, and even more so, to communicate with them. Of course, there are such situations, but here we are already talking about deep depression, which only a qualified psychologist can cope with. In most cases, a friend will be happy to meet and walk with you and your baby. And in no case should you avoid inviting a childless couple to a birthday or other holiday, arguing that "everyone will be with children - you will not be interested."
Be there. Treatment for infertility eats up enormous resources - time, financial, moral. Do not hesitate to offer help - starting from the trivial - to go to the doctor in your car together, to provide insurance with work, to go out somewhere together.
And now a few things that in no case should you say to a friend who has no children:
"Relax and just turn off your head. " Imagine what it is like to hear a person who, one might say, lives from cycle to cycle. This advice is not only impracticable, but it also really devalues the problem. Especially when there are serious medical reasons for infertility.
"Think about adoption. " Do you really think that if your girlfriend was ready for adoption, she would go through all these countless medical manipulations, drink hormones and torture herself? Adoption is one of the ways of realizing an adult, which has nothing to do with a woman's desire to give life to a new person. Desire inherent in nature. Many infertile couples adopt children, which does not change their desire to conceive and give birth. These are two different things.
“My friend made N IVF attempts, and then gave birth herself” Excellent! What can be said in response to this? Thank you for the statistics? No two history of IVF is alike, no two history of fertility treatment is alike. Comparing someone's success story to her own is also somewhat of a devaluation.
"Do not worry! I just know that you will succeed! " Where does this sacred knowledge come from? There is nothing worse than making unfounded promises to a person who knows his problem inside and out.
“Let me lend you mine for a while. Children are such a headache! " A rude and inappropriate joke for someone who obsessively dreams of motherhood.
"How much can you afford in life, if you do not spend time and money on treatment and IVF attempts. " It may be true. But this is the choice of an adult, which may not be understood, but must be respected.
"I heard from a friend that there is one person who works miracles. " There is no need to advise a friend (especially if she does not ask for advice) doctors or incomprehensible healers, to whom your mother's friend's daughter or someone else who was given a magic ointment, put a leech, read a prayer - and everything worked out. Advise only really proven specialists, preferably with whom you are being followed and in whom you are 100% sure.
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